It's been a while since I thought about how my online friends have shaped me as a person. It started sometime in sixth grade, probably, on a website called Magistream (it's still up, and still has lovely creatures and a wonderful community; I've just outgrown it a bit). Somehow, I made friends with someone much older than me, although she didn't realize quite how much older she was than me at the time. I always came across much older online, probably because I had a vocabulary that surpassed most of my peers. But anyway, she was a writer, and eventually, I ended up in one of her stories. Nothing bad - it was good, even; she had given me a character outline that I took and expanded, beginning to write my own stories. This may have been the first time I truly wrote something my own, although it certainly wouldn't be the last. That character - Marina - has become the name and face of my online persona, even though I've fallen out of touch with that friend. She's busy with offline work, as is the case with many of the friends I've made over the years.
There were four of us, if I remember correctly, interweaving our stories and having lots of fun. I'm not sure how it all stopped, but I know I didn't feel like I could reach out to try and keep the relationships going. This became a trend, unfortunately. Thanks to the permanence of the internet, though, recently I've been able to reconnect with some of the old communities I was once very active in. Looking back at old posts, I sometimes cringe. Was I really that immature? Yes, of course I was. Most of us were. But I'd never felt really comfortable sharing my creative endeavors with my offline friends. It seemed too scary, too vulnerable. Exposing my creative work to strangers on the internet, friends whose real names, faces, and lives I would never truly know - that was less scary. I made mistakes, and most people were gracious enough to forgive me. Not everyone did, but I can't blame them. I made a very dumb, very stupid decision that cost me one of my favorite friends from one pet game that I played. I probably liked her more than she liked me, but she was friendly enough, and helpful, and she did gorgeous artwork that I tried to buy as much and as often as I could. I still miss her, but she's made her boundaries clear, and I respect that. I remember that, and I use it to remind myself to be better. I can't go back and change the past, but I can try and grow as a person. Maybe one day she'll forgive me; maybe she won't. It's not like our social circles intersect anymore. The important part is that I'll always remember her. I've also met my best friend, someone who I've told almost everything to for nearly six years, online. We were trainee staff members together for an ARPG, and sometimes it felt like trial through fire. I have no idea how I make friends, honestly, and I don't know how I lucked out. She's helped me make some tough decisions, talked me through crises, been an ear or a sounding board as I've needed. I've never met her in person; I'm not sure I'll be able to any time soon. We want to; we talk about it a lot, how we'll make a blanket fort and watch Disney movies and bake brownies and cuddle her cats. Some people (namely my parents) say that I don't know her, that she's not as good as a real friend, here in the flesh. But I know that they're wrong. Internet friends reach you across time and space; it would be so easy to cut them off and never speak to them again, as people have done to me and I've done to other people. It would be easy to let the relationship fade, like what happened to many of my early games and forums, and then regret it later. I miss all those people, some of whom I have no way of contacting or finding again. But I remember them, and I remember the communities we had, and I remember that even when I was by far the youngest member of many groups, they never talked down to me. They never sugar coated things, never pretended that I couldn't understand something because of how young I was. I'm not sure what the point of all this rambling is, but honestly, I'm not expecting many people to read this, particularly not through to the end. Consider this part of a cathartic writing process. I aim to write a little bit every day, and if that's just a blog post where I ramble about how much I love and miss my internet friends, that's fine. That's enough. And internet friends are real friends, Mom. |
AuthorMarina spends her time watching cat videos and screaming into the void. ArchivesCategories |